My Jamie Oliver knife broke so I wrote them a poem. They responded in kind. Legends. 

Dear Jamie O,

T’other day I was cutting some bread,

A baguette to be precise.

I’d turned to my wooden block of courage,

As hefty in weight as price.

A flick of the wrist pulled that black handle of bliss,

Out of it’s sturdy sheaf.

As tried and tested as Excalibur,

I’d named him Gulliver;

As he’s travelled with me far and wide –

Both in distance and girth -

Either way, he’s never far from my side.

As I set the serrated blade to the soft white bread,

A little voice said in my head:

‘Be careful now Ollie,

This could be folly…’

Nonsense! I thought: this mighty steed?

Foiled by bird feed?

I think not! And I sliced with practiced speed.

With a push and a pull,

And the strength of a bull,

The baguette was diminished by half.

But half way along,

With an almighty bong,

The blade was severed at the hilt – just wrong!

I’m not one to cry over milk not spilt,

But my smile really did wilt.

I can’t imagine King Arthur,

Or even his father,

Thought HIS mighty beast,

Could be felled by mere flour and yeast.

Outraged and angry,

I flicked a twitpic to Jamie;

Ollie Scarth ‏@olliescarth24 Sep

@jamieoliver ...or don't. Got any spares? pic.twitter.com/tswcvO32eX

 

 Hide photo

•  Reply 
•  Delete 
•  Favorite 
•  More

 

 

 

 

12:24 PM - 24 Sep 13 · DetailsFlag media

I prayed to the gods,

And against all the odds,

You replied!

And answered my prayers:

@olliescarth Hey Ollie, sorry to see that! If you wing your contact details over to missioncontrol@jamieoliver.com we'll be in touch shortly

So please email me back (but not with a bomb)

To olliescarth686@gmail.com

It really would be tit for tat,

And better than crack…

If you just send me a new knife set to:

Ollie Scarth, 40 Churchway, Euston

NW1 1LW.

Thanks and all that.

OS.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They replied:

On an ordinary Thursday a letter arrived

One of many; some happy some not.

But this one was different because of its style

And its substance which glowed quite a lot.

As most people knows, a letter's in prose

When a poem is more good and proper.

So Ollie's stood out with his plea and his pout

That his carving knife had come a cropper.

He'd been carving some bread; not sharpening lead.

A baguette to be more precise.

When his Oliver knife had been rendered all dead

By a vicious and evil French slice.

Now this knife was beloved; twas almost a friend.

It was named like a kid or a pet.

So he set out his sadness in emotional verse.

You could see the poor chap was upset.

But as luck would have it, the Oliver team

Are a kindly old bunch it is said

So they searched out another, a sturdier blade

Which would not buckle up against bread.

And they packaged it off to dear Ollie with love

He should get it with great celebration

At his work in north London, a mecca for  knives

In Euston, just east of the station.

Happy carving.

PB - Head of PR

Quality. 

------------------ Original Message -------------------

From: 
Received: 05/10/2012 11:53
To: Support
Subject: Other

      
            Date05/10/2012 11:54:28
          

 Now then Smith’s,

I imagine you’re all having a jolly time reading a newspaper, a men’s mag, perhaps a property journal? You’re maybe wallowing in a swamp of stationary; the envy of secretaries everywhere. Believe you me, whenever I need to resupply my pens and pads, we all know where I’m going. And it’s not Ryman’s – let me assure you.

One of the best things about you Smith’s, is that you’re everywhere. There’s been many a time I’ve been on a train, desperately in need of a pad, a pen, a magazine or that time I needed some post it notes in York - but that’s another story. I’ve pulled into a station or turned a corner and there you were, big, blue and gleaming like glorious British summer sky. So convenient, so perfect...

When it comes to stationary and magazines, that is.

However, when it comes to Pick and Mix you fall short of the bar. My recent run in with your sweet section left me so traumatised, in fact, that I have started numerous online petitions and actively fear for the safety of children everywhere.

It was a Smith’s visit like any other: I had my Sainso’s meal deal (hock) in a bag in one hand and was perusing the fishing journal section of the magazine rack, there was a man to my left pretending to look at motorbike mags but was actually staring at Jessica Alba’s exposed bosom on the front cover of Nuts, and an old man in a wheel chair to my right. After a couple of minutes reading about the finer points of using sweet corn for carp bait, I noticed the Pick n Mix stall in my peripheral vision. The bright colours sucked me in like an inquisitive Orchid Mantis (https://urbantitan.com/10-worlds-weirdest-insects/ - see number 8) and before I knew it I was struggling in the jaws of the trap.

Relenting I bought a classic selection (strawberries, bon bons, fizzy bubblegum bottles, jelly snakes – the best of the soft un’s, not a fan of boiled or hard sweets). As I’m watching my figure at the moment I only picked 7 sweets – just enough to keep me going until 5. Something to nibble on, a nice sweet, cheap, soft snack for the afternoon.

Alas I was wrong, £2.49 for 7 sweets? Hardly cheap.

Never mind, I thought, I’ll still enjoy them all the same, I’ll maybe even savour them more now that I’ve spent a small fortune on their pleasure. As always with Pick n Mix I forgot about them until mid-afternoon. At which point I remembered and got that warm fuzzy feeling deep inside with the prospect of chowing down on some hard earned soft sugary sweets.

I, without really thinking about it (assuming I had nothing to fear) pulled out a fizzy bubblegum bottle, put it into my mouth and chewed.

I’m pretty sure there is someone, somewhere in this world that didn’t hear my scream, but I haven’t yet discovered which sound proofed hell hole that is. The pain Smith’s! The fizzy coke bottle was so hard that it snapped in two in my mouth, stabbing into my cheek. I was sure I had cracked a tooth but upon closer inspection I thankfully discovered no lasting damage.

In a considerable state of shock I took out the rest of the sweets and found them all to be rock hard. So brittle were they that they smashed on the desk when I dropped them!

Now I am sure that this was a glitch, a mere hiccup and there is no one more keen than I to remove the online petitions rallying for a ban on your sale Pick n Mix than I. However, this MUST be rapidly addressed Smith’s. For if your sweets are hard and brittle, what does that say of your stationary? Nobody likes a flimsy pencil.

I am sure that a simple Pick n Mix gift voucher would go a long way to placating my disappointment and ensure my continued custom. I imagine you’ll be treating this complaint as a high priority case given the risk. You’ll therefore need to know that it occurred yesterday at the WH Smith’s store at the BBC studios and offices in London, Television Centre.

Unfortunately, the sweets in question mysteriously vanished from my desk over night. I suspect a cover up, I was exactly quiet about my grievance yesterday and wouldn’t be surprised if a Smith’s agent infiltrated my office during the night.

I anxiously await your reply. Please don’t prolong my suffering any longer than necessary, and please don’t send me to Ryman’s.

Yours, sweetly,

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
           

REPLY:

 

From: Support <support@whsmith.co.uk>

Date: Fri, Oct 12, 2012 at 10:19 AM
Subject: RE: Other CRM:0009206
To: carolineoshaughnessy@googlemail.com
 

Dear 

Thank you for your email, I apologise for the delay in responding.

I am concerned to learn that your recent purchase of Pic N Mix from our BBC TV Centre store were hard and brittle. I have informed our Store Manager, Eakub Ali, who will take this matter up with Candy King our Supplier who refill and maintaine the Pic N Mix.

I would be happy to send you a £5.00 as a gesture of goodwill, if you can please provide your address.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.  

Kind Regards

Claire Skeates

Customer Service Coordinator

 

SUCCESS!! 

_____________________________

Sent: 21 December 2011 17:00
To: care at. superdry
Subject: Customer Issue OSCARTH-5UP3RD5YIAINTGOTNOPOCKETSLEFT.

Dear Superdry,

I write with regards to a reasonably recent purchase I made from one of your Superdry stores in Covent Garden.

A couple of months ago (exact date I can’t remember, it’s irrelevant anyway as I’ve lost the receipt) I bought one of your men’s black waterproof ‘Windcheater’ coats. I have to say, it lives up to its name wonderfully; it is near force field like in its ability to obstruct the wind from penetrating my body. I’ve spent a lot of time filming outside recently and it is by far the most effective cheater of wind that I’ve ever had the pleasure of wearing. Not to mention it’s waterproofing capabilities; I certainly have remained ‘super dry.’

However, there is one small problem which I feel I must write to you about. You’ve probably had numerous complaints of a similar nature as I can’t believe it is a specific issue with my coat alone…

Each pocket , almost simultaneously, broke (or wore through, whatever terminology you want to use) in the last couple of weeks. I haven’t really used the pockets other than to put my hands in, I certainly haven’t cut them or even put anything sharp in there. There are now gaping holes in each pocket rendering them completely obsolete.

I feel that, although I have lost my receipt and I am past the 28 day point of return period, I am entitled to some sort of compensation. It isn’t right, I’m sure you’ll agree, to buy a premium product such as your superbly-dry coat and have the pockets disintegrate within a couple of months of purchase.

Ideally, I’d like you to replace the coat. If you don’t think that is appropriate then I am open to discussion.

All the best, I hope you have/have had a SuperChristmas.

Yours, forever dry,

 O. S.

From: customer services [mailto:customer.services@supergroup.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2011 09:28
To:O.S
Subject: RE: Customer Issue OS-5UP3RD5YIAINTGOTNOPOCKETSLEFT.

Dear O,

I am writing in response to your email regarding your windcheater jacket. We pride ourselves in quality and I can only apologise that on this occasion it has not lived up to our highest of  standard. 

Although I sympathize with you whole heartedly unfortunately it’s our policy to request proof of purchase when  returning an item especially for a fault  

It is neither unreasonable nor uncommon for a retailer to request proof of purchase prior to taking any action with a return and is something that is mirrored by our competitors.

The policy is strictly enforced due to the high number of third party companies who also stock the brands found in our stores. As the responsibility to rectify issues with the quality of a purchase lies with the retailer from which it was bought, said retailer needs to be established. Proof of purchase not only establishes who is required by law to address the issue but also provides crucial information that needs to be factored in when assessing a garment such as the age (which then helps gauge how much wear and tear a garment has been subjected to) and the price paid (indicating how much is due in return and highlighting any possible discounts given for known faults).

If you are able to provide proof of purchase we will be happy to discuss your options further however, until then I’m afraid we shall be unable to offer any further assistance.

Kind Regards

Sophie

Subject: RE: Customer Issue OS-5UP3RD5YIAINTGOTNOPOCKETSLEFT.

Dear Soph,

Thank you for your swift response.

As I walked the streets of London this morning, snug and warm, not to mention impeccably dry (dropping change left, right and centre I might add) I thought to myself, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to have a response from Superdry with some Christmas cheer, some good news to offset the gargantuan amount of work I still have to do over this happiest of festive times.’ 

But no. My up-beat hopeful festive cheery mood was quashed, felled in one swift stroke from Sophie McNosurname –Chief Fair Request Denier Officer. I put no personal blame onto your good self Soph, I am fully aware you are governed by a corporate machine which has its policies and its rules and you are merely the messenger, a slave to their Scroogesque nature and lack of general human decency. 

Never fear, I shall not hold it against the company, everybody, even the very dryest of peoples and companies can make mistakes. I am a forgiving soul and will take the higher road, I will be the bigger man and put this little tiff behind me. I hope that you, on behalf of Superdry can do the same, maybe even find it within yourself to send me some gloves, if for no other reason than to prove to yourself, dear Soph, that you will not let yourself conform to your superiors’ lack of festive cheer. 

Be the bigger woman Soph, think on this: blackened by frostbite, my mits, skilfully prepared by evolution for the soul purpose of carving turkeys, will too be rendered useless, much like my pockets. 

Don’t let a poor boys hands freeze this Christmas. Restore my faith…

Yours, remaining forever dry,

O.S.

From: customer services [mailto:customer.services@supergroup.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2011 13:38
To: O.S.
Subject: RE: Customer Issue OS-5UP3RD5YIAINTGOTNOPOCKETSLEFT.

Dear O,

I am writing in response to your email which may I add put a lovely big smile on mine and my Supervisors face.

On this occasion, because its Christmas, we are willing to authorize an exchange or credit note on this faulty item.

I would advise taking the garment along to an official Superdry or Cult store with a copies of these emails and also advise that Catherine Cook from customer service has authorized this.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Kind Regards

Sophie

 Subject: RE: Customer Issue OS-5UP3RD5YIAINTGOTNOPOCKETSLEFT.

Dearest Sophie,

What a fantastic response – festive good will prevails!

Hopefully this little conflab we’ve shared will bring joy and hope to many for years to come, told around roaring fires whilst roasting chestnuts and wrapping presents. It goes to show that there is still, in this oh-so-cynical modern age, a reason for Christmas; a true fable of old has been created here this day.

I wish yourself and Catherine ‘graces us with a surname’ Cook all the joy and merriness that there is to be found this Christmas and of course the very happiest of New Years.

I enclose as proof of both my initial complaint and my gratitude a picture detailing my festive plight…and delight.

All the very best wishes to you Soph, Catherine and the rest of the Superdry customer services department, who, by the way, have risen at an alarming rate in my estimations.

Merry Christmas!

Yours, ecstatically dry,

Dear Sainso's,

I hope this email finds you in good spirits; I imagine you to be sat snugly at your desk, surrounded by reasonably priced meal deals, prawn and rocket sandwiches in abundance and whole hams lining the walls, just waiting to be hocked. I can just see you all grinning as you enter the office, content that you work, by far, for the greatest supermarket in the land. Don't you let those nasty fascists from tesco bother you (I feel I should explain my grammatical error here, I do not believe that tesco deserve a capital letter), who cares if they are in the top 3 biggest supermarkets in the world?! At least you don?t lure people in with petty PR stunts like advertising Ipad 3s for £49.99 then claiming it was all a big 'mistake'. Probably some sort of uneducated cretin, just graduated from 'University'. Polytechnic more like!

There are two types of supermarkets in this world Sainso's, those that will do anything to achieve the top spot, open 'metros' left right and centre, put the everyman out of business and create annoyingly patronising advertising campaigns ('Every little helps'. Indeed, thanks for taking a direct interest in my finances tesco, I'll decide how much money I have to splash on my weekly shop thanks) and those that care and look after their customers. I know which one you are.

Where else would I find such a generous lunch time meal deal alternative? M&S? A possible contender, but I want a Coca Cola with my meal deal, not a homemade blasphemous bastardised version. Waitrose? please. tescos? Laughable. In short, I think your supermarket is by far the greatest in the land, I once lamented from a roof top championing an offer you once did on a chocolate pudding, I thought so much of your desserts section.

It is for this reason I felt I must write to you Sainso's, because you see, today I was stunned - nae - shocked, when I experienced something truly terrifying: an end to the myth, a blemish on your excellence.

Distraught, I asked myself, What am I to do?? I cannot go to another supermarket, they are not worthy of supplying food to a gutter rat, let alone my own catering needs. I shall write to them , I thought. Everybody makes mistakes. I decided that you must be told of your error and be given a chance to rectify your mistake in kind, build upon that mistake and make your supermarket even better than it already is. Impossible! I hear you cry.

Believe me, it can be done.

Here is what happened:

It was 1330, slightly later than my usual excited jaunt to my local Sainso's (Tottenham Court Road, London). What would I pick today? The hock? The prawn? The lemon chicken ? hmm tempting. Or would I stray from the norm? Summer's coming up, maybe I should venture towards the ever lush fruit and veg section to sample the exotic delights from around the globe? Maybe I'll do both.

Both I did. Glancing over the enormous selection, numerous culinary treats caught my eye, massive mangoes, gargantuan Granny Smiths, plump plumbs and beautiful bananas, to name but a few. Eventually my eyes came to rest on the rosiest box of cherries I think I've ever seen. 'oop,' I thought to myself, Sainso's does it again. A wide grin spreading across my chops, a large rumble emanating from my stomach

I could barely contain myself on the walk back to the office; what a treat lay in store for me, what a feast! And for only £7 (I went for the Hock). Some people may argue £4 is a little pricey for a punnet of cherries, not me, I know their worth. You cannot put a price on perfection.

Once back at my desk, tucked in I did and wondrous it was! The hock salted to perfection, the cheddar perfectly mature. The cherries, oh the cherries, delightful!

And then it happened, disaster struck.

I happened to glance down, inspecting the punnetry perfection before me, I noticed something odd, something demonising my experience.

A hair or fibre stuck to one of the cherries, white in colour, squat in stature. Initially I refused to believe it. Then I began to wonder what would have happened if I'd missed it?! Would I have choked and collapsed, been rushed to A&E? No one likes to die from choking especially not from a fibre on a cherry! Then I began to think of the other poor souls out there who may have endured and suffered a similar fate. If it could happen to me, it could happen to ANYONE.

So I am writing to you now Sainso's, pleading you to heed my plea. Help me to restore my confidence in you, I don't know how long I can go without hock, or at least prawn sandwiches in my life.

I think given my near death experience and the trauma it has caused, not to mention (and let's be honest here) a pretty careless mistake on your part, some shopping vouchers (online or otherwise) would do wonders to placate my angst and restore my faith. The value of those vouchers I leave in your hands, but hear this: don't be tescos, don't be stingy.

Yours, in a bit of state,

Ollie Scarth

Sainsbury's devotee S.d
tesco's sceptic T.scpt
Hock Consumer H.Cs

REPLY:

Dear Ollie Scarth

Thanks for your email.

This has now been assigned to a dedicated Customer Manager who will respond in full shortly.

We appreciate your patience.


Kind regards

| Customer Manager

Sainsbury's Supermarkets Ltd | 33 Holborn, London | EC1N 2HT
customer.service@sainsburys.co.uk | 0800 636 262
twitter.com/sainsburys | facebook.com/sainsburys

I REPLIED:

customerservice@sainsburys.co.uk	Apr 26
to me

Dear Mr Scarth

Thanks for your email.  I’m so sorry about the traumatic experience you’ve recently been through which has tarnished your view of our perfection as a supermarket.  I can fully appreciate your disappointment in the events you’ve described, as if this could happen to you, someone who’s been devoted to our brand to such an extent, it could happen to anyone.

All of our products come from reputable suppliers and go through stringent quality controls to ensure that our customer receive nothing but the best.  The reason we test our products so extensively is so that you can enjoy our grapes, chickens, ham and the rest without a doubt in your mind about the blood, sweat and tears (no hair though) that’s gone into making them available for you to buy.  I can appreciate, however, this doesn’t reflect on your experience on this occasion.

Your comments have been logged and will be taken into account during future reviews held at our suppliers’.  Our suppliers, being just as dedicated as ourselves, will be saddened to hear you horrific tale and will surely takes steps to prevent anyone from going through what you have.  It’s important to us that our customers have every bit of confidence in our goods, and that we keep true to those expectations no matter what you buy.

I’ve arranged for a £10 gift card to be sent to your address which I hope you can use to buy quite a few prawn sandwiches.  The card should be with you within 10 working days and needs 48 hours to activate after receipt.  Please allow for this time to pass before using it.

We’re eternally grateful to you for taking the time to contact us, not only because you’ve helped us prevent similar incidents in future, but also because it pleases us to know that we have such dedicated customers.  We hope that we’ll see you in store soon, and that you’ll, in the end, forgive us for the hair clinging to your cherry.


Kind regards

Henrik Thornqvist | Customer Manager
Sainsbury's Supermarkets Ltd | 33 Holborn, London | EC1N 2HT
customer.service@sainsburys.co.uk | 0800 636 262
twitter.com/sainsburys | facebook.com/sainsburys

 

SUCCESS!!

 

Our new blog has been launched today. Stay focused on it and we will try to keep you informed. You can read new posts on this blog via the RSS feed.